wouldn’t change a thing,

tomorrow, emmy, indy, and i are headed out the door to visit our hubby/daddy. & to be honest, i’m a little nervous. it’s the first time i’ve been back to ‘our home’ since the postpartum depression started & i had to move back home. blake’s come and visited us here numerous weekends, but i’ve yet to go see him. a part of me is really excited to go back because, well let’s face it, three-fourths of my closet is still there… but the other part is scared to go back to the place where i hit rock bottom. i know it’s impossible not to have ptsd, but i have to remember how far i’ve come since then. 
 i have learned a lot about myself, & am more confident as a person & mother because i have seen what i’m capable of. i know i haven’t really talked about my ppd a lot, although i really want to since i think there’s a big fat stigma sticker slapped onto it, that needs to be ripped off like a bandaid. it’s something that no one can really understand unless they’ve been through it before, but i think all mothers can agree that having a child is a lot more difficult than you imagined, and sometimes you think to yourself: no other mother could possibly be going through what i’m going through. & there are a lot of moms who don’t ever really share how they’re feeling. fortunately, i have found many fellow mom-bloggers whom have shared quite a bit, which i am grateful for & think more women should do. just sayin’
but the truth of the matter is, this shit is hard. no amount of babysitting, nannying, or schooling can prepare you as a mother. sure, i knew a thing or two about swaddling & diapering, but the hormones? pshhleeaase… you can’t prepare or practice for that in lamaze class.
with that being said, i am now well aware of how to deal with it should there ever be a round 2. & i am also able to empathize with other women with ppd. the irony of it all is that i’m actually glad i went through all that i did. it has made me into a better person than i was before getting pregnant. believe it. 
& even though it has taken me forever & a day to write this because i have a low-grade-feverish-baby-because-she-just-got-shots-yesterday-strapped-to-the-front-of me, i wouldn’t change a thing.
so tomorrow, we’re off to see our #1 man. say a little prayer?
loyally,
katie 
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7 Replies to “wouldn’t change a thing,”

  1. I will definitely be thinking of you lovely lady.
    I have been there and back three times with PPD, each one a little different than the other, so I can totally empathize with what you're going through.
    Thinking of you as you head home to see your love… and you're right, it really IS all worth it! *Hugs*

  2. Can't wait to see you! Play date? Game night? So glad you are doing better and although trials freaking suck a big one, they typically make you stronger…I guess that is the point of them. Those little ones are so entirely worth it!

  3. I'm so glad that you are doing so much better. I can't even imagine what you went through, but I'm so happy that you still feel like it was all worth it. Thinking of you girly 🙂

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