I Believe.

I believe in back rubs before bedtime.
I believe in sending snail mail.
I believe in Mary Poppins.
I believe in orange nail polish.
I believe in a good cry.
I believe in a sweaty run.
I believe in my husband.
I believe in green tea.
I believe in waking up early.
I believe in blogging.
I believe in teaching.
I believe in learning.
I believe in dancing.
I believe in random acts of kindness.
I believe in setting a good example.
I believe in extending dignity to every human being.
I believe in Girls Nights.
I believe in a great tube of mascara.
I believe in gratitude journals.
I believe in taking risks.
I believe in praying.
I believe in laughing ’til it hurts.
I believe in singing out loud.
I believe in looking on the bright side.
I believe in chocolate fudge.
I believe in me.
What do you believe in?
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i am mad. downright fucking pissed, to be perfectly honest. 
my mom has cancer again. 
for the third time. 
in six years. 
seriously, who the hell gets cancer three times in six years? 
it’s just not right.
i feel helpless. 
i feel so sorry for her. 
& i hate that phrase… “feeling sorry” 
…but i don’t know what else to say. 
i don’t know what to do. 
hot tears seared my hidden face, as i unintentionally expressed wet blotches of black mascara on my white pillow. 
it was a difficult cry–a struggle against the antidepressants in my system.
“mommy! mommy! maaaaahhhhmmmmy!” i heard my daughter cry out on the other side of my bedroom door. 
her cries for me coincided with the cries i had for my own mother. 
as if it were my inner voice.
what a surreal and eerie moment it was–my young daughter crying out for me, while i silently cried out for my mommy, praying emmalyn never has to cry for the same reason.
as much as i want to crawl out of, and shed my skin, i know my mom wants to a hundred times more.
 i can only imagine how she is feeling right now, and i bet it involves a few choice curse words.
what do i do for her? 
what do i say? 
we’ll find out more tomorrow, but she will definitely have to endure both chemo and radiation.  
but my mom? 
she’s a fighter. 
& a hell of a good one, at that!
each time i found out my mom had the big c, we allowed ourselves to convulse into one another with harsh tears, then promised that was it. 
no more.
my mom got through it twice before, and she’ll get through it again.
yes, i am mad. 
but i’m also inspired. 
inspired by my best friend who won’t let anything stand in her way of living.

p.s. thank you for allowing me to be honest. & explicit. although, i apologize but not really for the explicit part 😉


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“Learn New Words” … Lesson Learned!

When I had set out to write a post yesterday, I wanted to write freely, quickly, and in the moment. Call it a little experiment, if you will. Instead of waiting for The Perfect Piece of Writing, I wanted to let my fingers do the talking, and not give it a second-thought. I needed to take a leap-of-faith and stop over-thinking-slash-analyzing-slash-beating-myself-upover not writing something “good enough”.

While Blake was at work and Emmy was napping, I pulled out my laptop and didn’t look back. I closed my eyes and wrote exactly what I heard, and what I felt. With the television off, the sound of the clock and the rhythm of my heart beating were immanent.
Before hitting “Publish”, I read once-over only for spelling typos, and then that was it. 
No over-thinking. No second-guessing.
It felt good.
However, what I didn’t take into consideration was how my piece would translate to my daily 150+ other readers… kinda um, well… depressing.
Often times I get embarrassed when I read my writing aloud to my husband. I don’t know why?!
Regardless, I knew I needed his opinion.
After prepping him with the scenario of the latter, and sucking up my embarrassment, my husband said intently, “You need to learn new words.”
Flashbacks of last-minute cramming sessions for middle school vocabulary tests awkwardly danced through my head. I’ve never been very word-worthy—at least in my opinion. But I knew instantly what word jumped out at him as alarming: Nothingness.
And it made my husband feel about ye big when I sheepishly chose that word. Which is when I realized that word gives off the connotation of worthlessness or insignificance, both of which I know I am not! When I wrote, “staring out into nothingness,” what I really meant was “space”, where my mind was clear, and I was at peace.
So I took my husband’s sound advice and pulled out the thesaurus. And by “pulled out” I mean typed “nothingness” onto Thesaurus.com.
Scanning through the synonyms, I spotted “free space”. That’s more like it. From there, free space led me to “diddly-squat”, “goose egg”, and “hill of beans.”
If I had to choose a new word for “nothingness”, I think I’d choose “diddly-squat”. Yes… Staring out into diddly-squat.Sounds much more light-hearted, and totally UN-depressing, don’t you think?
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Today. Raw.

This ticking of the clock

The thoughts running through my head

Heart beating

Mechanical air briefly brushing over my hair

Blue and white aged quilted blanket,

wrapped tightly around my legs.

Soft dog, smells of baby powder,

also wrapped around my legs.

Thoughts ticking

Heart beating

Rumbling of cars go by

Heavy eyelids,

staring out into nothingness

Mind is blank

Honestly, blank


Tanned skin tingles

Legs crossed, toes entwined

Half-full water is still

Nose itches

Fingers move swiftly across the keys

No editing, no rewriting

Just me and my thoughts





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Summer Lovin’

*Family Vacation
**2nd Wedding Anniversary Getaway
***Art of Animation Resort @ Disney World




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