Dear Mr. Bumb O. Chair,
You have been such an admirable addition to our family. After adopting and welcoming you into our home, you never once disappointed us. You have been loyal to my daughter, and are immensely loved by our family. It’s going to be quite an arduous adjustment to no longer share in your company day after day.
I deeply apologize for my daughter’s growth and strength–resulting in your retirement. If I could keep her from climbing out of your foundation, I would. Thank you for the past six months of your cooperation and support. We’ve shared wonderful memories with you–including several birthdays, Easter, our Marriage Celebration, Mother’s & Father’s Day, family vacations–& not to mention, the numerous ordinary, but nonetheless special days.
You’ve endured a lot while staying with us. You’ve tolerated dried-up sweet potatoes and poop explosions, never once complaining. And while your name was often mistaken for “Dumbo,” “Bumpy,” “Boppy,” and “Dumpy,” by friends and family, you always continued to hold your composure. Thank you for helping make my life a lot easier. You are Man’s Greatest Gift to the World. I would be honored to write you a recommendation should you need it in the future.
I pray you enjoy your temporary home in The Attic. I hope you will consider coming out of retirement in 2.5-3 years, as I will be grateful for your assistance once more. I will miss you dearly, my friend. But this is not goodbye–it’s “I’ll see ya later!”